i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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