you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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