What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
