i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
