I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
