i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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