apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
