i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
