My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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