Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
