K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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