biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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