I am puke
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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