Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm too high and old for this...
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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