You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
