There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
