Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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