my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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