Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
