My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
