Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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