My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
