She is in my trunk
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I still have a little drunk in my system
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
