I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
