Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize
