I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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