I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
