its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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