then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
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