moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
