the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
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