I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
