I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize