3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
