if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
