I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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