I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
