So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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