i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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