Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
