do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
