My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
