dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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