I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
