Apparently you make a good broom.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
