Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
