I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
