It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
