Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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