he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
