allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
