During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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