I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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