On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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