There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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