Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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