Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
