i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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