I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
