I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Randomize
