my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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